


If Only

by sugary_words



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, I Tried, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow To Update, Suicide, Two Endings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2020-08-20 00:42:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20218972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugary_words/pseuds/sugary_words
Summary: Tsukishima Kei has a girlfriend. A cute, quiet introvert girlfriend. She can take all of Tsukki's half-hearted insults and deliver them right back. Tsukishima won't admit it often but by god he's smitten with her. Completely 100% smitten.How does Yamaguchi, his best friend, who's been pining for years, feel about this?





	1. Freckles and Tears

**Author's Note:**

> hi pls follow me on tumblr: [@sugarywords](https://sugarywords.tumblr.com/)  
also!! I now have a patreon!! im attempting to make some bread  
if u like my works here, please become a patron on my patreon: [Sugar](https://www.patreon.com/sugarywords)  
u get sneak peaks and commissions!! those are hot, right?? i hope askisja

**This will probably be short unless I find my balls and I can write for longer.**

* * *

Tsukki has a girlfriend. She was cute, but a standard kind of cute. Brown hair, brown eyes, y'know, basic girl. But Tsukki saw the honey in her eyes and the softness of he hair and the difference in her personality. She was lovely, no doubt. The team was welcoming of her. She often came by to watch Tsukki play volleyball, and would cheer him on whether he was winning or not. She seemed to always be there for him, and if you saw Tsukki, she was probably somewhere close by, and vice versa. They were almost inseparable. Tsukki's time was constantly consumed by spending time with her, and she was almost the only number in his call log. His phone background was a picture of her, and he had pictures of both her and them together up in his room, right next to his pictures with Yamaguchi.

Yamaguchi, of course, was as welcoming of her as the rest of the team. He couldn't find it in himself to be bitter to her just because she was dating his best friend. As such, he was kind to her. But oh god, Yamaguchi felt nothing but pain every time he saw them together. It was like a hole had been ripped right in the center of his heart. He wanted to cry all the time. He could barely focus on his school work, his performance in volleyball was slipping, and his usual cheery attitude had diminished. 

You see, Yamaguchi had been pining after Tsukki for years.

Ever since they met in elementary school, Yamaguchi had stayed by Tsukki's side, and Tsukki stayed by his. They were best friends, 'ride or die's, and they'd do anything for one another. Yamaguchi knew that while Tsukki didn't always admit it, he cared about him. Yamaguchi mostly felt the same way. Except, he wanted more. He wanted to love Tsukki. He wanted to hold him, to kiss him, and to do a million more things with him. He wanted to spend his life with Tsukki. But Tsukki didn't feel the same. Every day since Yamaguchi found out Tsukki had a girlfriend, he'd cried. Every damn day. Right underneath his bedsheets, when everything in the house was still, he let the tears fall. They poured down his face, faster and faster with all the water that gathered. Eventually, his breath would begin to hitch, and low pitched wails would escape his throat. His nose would run, his eyes would burn, and his throat would hurt. He would cry for what seemed like hours. He began to lose sleep because of all the crying, and bags formed under his eyes. The whole team was concerned about him, especially Tsukki, even if he didn't show it. 

Ever since he had seen Tsukki for the first time at high school, he'd seen how Tsukki had developed. He'd always been rather tall, but he'd shot up over the summer. His eyes had become a thousand times more piercing than Yamaguchi remembered. His lanky body hid light, sinewy muscle under his skin. His hair was beautifully blonde, and the freckles on his back stood out more than ever. Yamaguchi wanted to connect the dots on his back and make constellations, little clusters of beautiful stars. He wanted to kiss all of the light freckles on Tsukki's face, counting as he went. Tsukki's scent, a wood-like sort of smell, had become Yamaguchi's drug. Whenever he could, he'd hug Tsukki just to take in his beautiful scent. Everything about Tsukki had become strangely intoxicating over the summer, and Yamaguchi couldn't help but find himself drawn in by Tsukki. He was completely smitten with Tsukki once the summer had ended. He'd find himself staring at Tsukki for long periods of time, taking in every curve and sharp turn the angles of his body made. Tsukki was handsome, no doubt about it. Yamaguchi quickly found himself becoming obsessed with Tsukki, and then — Tsukki got a girlfriend. 

Yamaguchi was the first one Tsukki told when he'd started dating her. Tsukki was actually full of excitement and happiness. It was the happiest Yamaguchi had ever seen him, and Tsukki rarely ever showed emotion as it is. Yamaguchi felt happy for him, but as he was congratulating him, tears flowed down his face and his heart began to ache. So, it turns out that Tsukki hadn't liked him at all. Yamaguchi supposed that now was the time to stop dreaming, especially since it would only get him hurt. He should stop dreaming about Tsukki leaving his girlfriend for him, and loving him forever. He should stop dreaming about Tsukki planting kisses all over his face, shoulders, and back, counting all the freckles as he went. He should stop dreaming about Tsukki's piercing eyes that could see right through him as though it was nothing. He should stop dreaming about Tsukki's lanky yet muscular body rubbing against his, creating warmth and sweat as pleasure bloomed down low. He should stop dreaming about Tsukki.

But hell if his heart was agreeing with him.

* * *

Yamaguchi found his mind wandering in the middle of English class. Tsukki was who his mind wandered to. He didn't have this class with Tsukki, so he found himself dreaming about Tsukki sitting beside him. He caught himself imagining Tsukki passing him notes, usually full of words about the teacher and the surrounding students; but this time, they were full of words asking if he'd like to go get steamed buns, or maybe get some fries after school so Yamaguchi could stay over at Tsukki's. Nowadays, he did those things with his girlfriend. Yamaguchi had been left to hang out with Hinata and Kageyama, but he felt like he was just a third wheel with them. It was only when Tsukki began to spend more time with his girlfriend that he realized Tsukki was his only real friend. He was alone.

When English class finally ended, he trotted down the hallway, alone. He slipped into his next class, alone. 

He walked home alone, too.

That was, until he felt a light tug on his jacket. Turning around, he met eyes with only the most handsome man in the world (in his opinion at least).

"Tsukki?"


	2. Wood and Smiles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's like he can't get enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oi  
...  
yes i know its been like forever  
but my life has been a SHITSHOW  
literally i was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes one month after i posted the first chapter so my life has been hectic as h*ck  
but im back!!

**Alright bitches, your <strike>Queen Bitch</strike> fucking failure is back with a second chapter.** Also Yamaguchi is Yams now, Yamaguchi became too much of a handful.

* * *

God, there he was, standing in front of Yams in all his glory - Tsukki. That golden hair, those caramel eyes, those lovely freckles, that tan skin, and his handsomely lanky body. Yams swore he could melt. The afternoon sun hit him perfectly, shining bright on the nape of his neck, catching the perfect wispy ends of his hair, and slightly trespassing on his face, highlighting his cheek, his glasses, his caramel eyes. And even from here, two feet away from him, he could smell Tsukki. That wonderful wood-like scent seemed to compliment the surrounding environment. All of it combined was almost too much for Yams. He could feel himself tensing up underneath Tsukki's piercing gaze. Geez, if his gaze wasn't so damn petrifying, maybe Yams would be able to melt out of existence. But no, Tsukki's eyes froze him to the spot, forcing him to take in his warm wood smell.

He could feel his knees beginning to buckle. How long had he been standing here looking at Tsukki? That didn't matter. He didn't seem bothered by Yams's shocked silence anyway. Yams was still drinking in the wonderful sight as the wind began to lightly toss Tsukki's golden locks, as they brushed against his cheekbones and the bright part of his neck when Yams's eyes slowly began to slide to the right as he noticed something in the corner of his eye. There, in all her glory, was Tsukki's girlfriend, staring at him with wide brown eyes. 

Yams deflated immediately. 

"Oi." Tsukki's deep voice sent a chill down Yams's spine, and he wished he were alone with Tsukki, so that he might be able to let some of this lust go in a quick hug or throwing his arms around Tsukki's shoulders. But he dared not touch him in his girlfriend's presence. If he had learned anything about Tsukki's girlfriend from the time she spent around the team, it was that she was scarily observant. She noticed Yams's eyebags before anyone else had. He knew that she probably noticed his deeper slouch, his slipping performance, and his distraction. He inwardly hoped that she hadn't noticed that she was the reason for it. 

He also desperately hoped she hadn't noticed him eyeing her boyfriend.

"Hey, Tsukki." Yams tried to smile. And he did, but it wasn't complete. It was one of those desperate smiles quickly plastered together in hopes that no one would ask questions or notice anything different. He could feel the girl's eyes boring into him. In a flash, he crinkled his eyes with the smile too, in hopes that no one could see that his eyes were cold. 

"We were wondering if you would like to walk with us." He gestured to his girlfriend, who blinked and smiled softly. There it was. That word again. "_We_". He'd used "_we_". Not "_I_" or "_she_". "_We_". He had always referred to himself and his girlfriend as a unit. Which, of course, was expected. But it always tore Yams apart somewhere. His heart would ache when he heard that word. _We_. He could remember all of the times he'd been turned away, second only to Tsukki's girlfriend.

_"No, sorry, not today, we're walking home together."_

_"Ah, sorry Yamaguchi, we were going for steamed buns today."_

_"Can't stay for practice, we've got a date today, sorry."_

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. It was all Yams ever heard. We, we, we, we, we, we, we, we. It was everything he ever heard. It was like he never heard anything different. Always _sorry_, always _we_, never anything different. Yams felt a bitterness stir within the pit of his stomach, a darkness crawl into existence. If he hadn't heard "_we_", maybe he would've been able to extinguish it. Maybe he would've been able to crush it and let it die. Maybe he would've been able to ignore it.

But he'd heard "_we_".

And there was no going back.

"No, thanks, Tsukki. I've got English work to do." His words came out with a bitter edge, and he hoped Tsukki's girlfriend caught that, felt the edge cut into her in some way. He hoped she felt just a tiny bit of pain, of rejection, just as he had when she appeared. He felt a small bit of triumph when she recoiled, barely noticeable, as her smile did not fade, but her eyes lost the warmth her smile held. Her reaction fed that little piece of darkness growing inside him. Tsukki, on the other hand, didn't seem to notice the bitterness or the bite. He was immune to things like that. He was almost - no - _very_ hot in the way his head slightly cocked to the side, and his curls fell along his cheekbone, still brushing his cheeks, hugging the nape of his neck, caressing his forehead. He was very hot in the way one of his eyebrows pulled upwards, seemingly scrutinizing Yams. And he was very hot in the way his soft looking lips parted as though to say something. God, if only Tsukki's girlfriend wasn't there. He wanted to step towards Tsukki and grab his shirt, startling him, making him stumble forward into Yams, their lips "accidentally" colliding; Tsukki deciding he rather liked Yams's lips on his, and reaching for Yams, his slim strong arms pulling Yams close, Yams inhaling his lovely wood scent, their bodies so close, their lips passing over each other's, Tsukki's hands settling on his lower back, Yams's hands sliding past Tsukki's neck to grip those beautiful blond curls, not having a care for who was nearby, not having a care for what time it was, not having a care for homework or tomorrow or practice or class - just him and Tsukki, close together, in their own little moment, the afternoon sun dripping like honey on their wet lips, down their chins, their necks, dampening their clothes, slowly spreading little bits of sun as far as-

Yams decided he didn't want to hear any more. 

"Anyway, I'd better get going, Tsukki! I'll see you tomorrow!" He pretended to smile apologetically and turned away, bounding off fast enough in hopes that he could leave those thoughts from before behind. 

* * *

Technically, what he'd said before he left wasn't a lie - he really _DID_ have English work, he was just bad at understanding it. He sat on his bed, grumbling at his paper, wondering why he had to match the words in Japanese to their corresponding words in English. As he looked over his work, his mind began to wander to earlier. What if he'd actually grown balls and had the nerve to kiss Tsukki right on his lips? What if he'd ignored the presence of Tsukki's girlfriend and went for it? What if Tsukki admitted right in front of his girlfriend that he liked Yams? That would certainly sting. It would feel good to watch her crumble right then and there, breaking down into tears and running away. It would be alright because she wouldn't matter anymore. It would just be him and Tsukki. A small smile painted it's way onto Yams's face, and he could feel that tiny piece of darkness growing into something bigger. For some reason, he didn't want to fight it. Of course, he was consciously aware of the fact that it was bad, yes, and that if he kept it around for too long it could lead to bad things, yes. But what harm could a little bit of daydreaming do? It was just a little bit. And it's not like he wanted Tsukki's girlfriend to die or anything, that would be terrible. He just didn't want her around. Again, though, he couldn't bring himself to think that. It was hard not to like her anyway. 

Yams was frustrated. Dreaming about Tsukki seemed to be all he could do nowadays. Just dreaming about being close to him, eating steamed buns with him, getting fries with him and giggling at how much they reminded him of Tsukki...

He just wanted Tsukki. All to himself.

But he couldn't have him. Tsukki had a girlfriend. 

And if you hadn't known Tsukki long enough, you wouldn't know he was smitten. But boy oh boy, Yams knew Tsukki like the back of his hand. And yeah, Tsukki was smitten. They were all subtle hints, but if you knew him, they weren't hard to spot. 

It was in the way his eyes lit up when he saw her. It was in the way a tiny smile would bloom on his face if she held his hand. It was in the way he had her as his lock screen on his phone, where there used to be a picture of him and Yams. It was in the way he spent most of his time with her. It was in the way they were inseparable. It was in the way they did everything he and Yams used to do, when he didn't have a girlfriend.

It was in the way Tsukki smiled more than he ever had before.

Yams began to think. Maybe she really was good for Tsukki. Maybe she really was. Tsukki had smiled more often, he was more chipper, his remarks towards Hinata had less of a bite, and he was doing exceedingly well in practice. Maybe it was good that she was around. Maybe this was a sign. 

Maybe...

Maybe he didn't need Yams anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so yeah  
hope you enjoyed??  
leave kudos, we stan

**Author's Note:**

> hi pls follow me on tumblr: [@sugarywords](https://sugarywords.tumblr.com/)  
also!! I now have a patreon!! im attempting to make some bread  
if u like my works here, please become a patron on my patreon: [Sugar](https://www.patreon.com/sugarywords)  
u get sneak peaks and commissions!! those are hot, right?? i hope askisja


End file.
